[Thursday morning, 9 July]  Our modern technology enables us to follow what happens in San Antonio, even if one is not physically present. Yesterday I spent a major part of the day watching the live stream of the debate about Women’s Ordination in the Adventist Church. At 11 pm local time (I am presently vacationing in Sweden) I went to bed. It was clear which way things would go. Although I knew we would probably not get a ‘yes’ vote, I had not lost hope that at last my church would be able to affirm full gender equality—also in the church. I continued to hope that my church would demonstrate in San Antonio that we do live in the twenty-first century and that it is in that context that we must give a concrete expression to our faith.

The speeches that impressed me most were those of Jeroen Tuinstra and Jan Paulsen. But in the end all pro-speeches were to no avail. When I got up this morning, I wanted, of course, to find out how the vote had gone. The sad news jumped at me from the various websites and the many Facebook postings.

No doubt, I am not the only Adventist who had to deal this morning with a serious spiritual hangover. What can we do when we see how our church is gradually gliding back into the nineteenth century (position of women) or even to the Middle Ages (article 6 of Fundamental Beliefs)?  Ted Wilson and other leaders may tell us in a myriad different ways that we should now unite and leave all controversial issues behind us, so that we can focus on our real task, but this, I believe, is an utterly naïve point of view. The gospel (also in its Adventist version) will only convince twenty-first century people if it is communicated by men and women who are recognized as contemporary people who speak and act in the context of this time.

When I looked this morning out of the window I saw a dark-grey sky. In this part of the world the sun rose this morning already around 2.30 am, but so far it has remained totally invisible. It tends to make me rather depressed. And that is how I feel this morning about my church.

No, I will not easily decide to leave my church. I hope I will have a good number of years left to function in my church and be a blessing to many people. But, please, do not expect me to go against my conscience and to simply accept the dictates of about 60 percent of our world membership—most of whom have no idea what it means to be a christian in Europe and other parts of the western world, and what challenges christians face when they want to tell their de-christianized friends that being a follower of Jesus Christ is still a realistic option.

Some weeks or months from now I will probably see the broader picture somewhat more clearly . What happens in Adventism is not unique. The christian church is moving from North to South. In particular, in worldwide christian movements the non-western segments more and more call the tune. Against this background a church in the West must, on the one hand, continue to show its loyalty to the world-wide organization, but, on the other hand, find its own way and seek the boundaries of how to remain true to itself and to follow its own conscience, without—if at all possible—severing the ties with brothers and sisters elsewhere in the world.

But this morning everything is so fresh that I find it difficult to relativize things. I am ashamed for my church. And that is a depressing feeling.